Everything Went Blank

KNUTSON_Lara_LightingPainting_BlueOrange1200

Time doesn’t quite seem to be on my side. We always think there will be more time, but in so many ways there won’t be… enough.

For the third time in my life, my heart has been broken.  It was a physical aching, stabbing, sharp pain that pierced my chest when I received the text, “You’re getting another sibling.”  “What…,” I responded. His quick reply, “Your boy’s a fiancé!!!”

Blank

Everything went blank.  I like blank more than went black because it wasn’t black. It was nothingness. I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t comprehend time, nor feel my body present on this earth. It’s like my body and my mind disconnected from the other and went somewhere else. This has happened several times in my life.

I have no idea how long I was in this blank state. Maybe seconds, minutes, hours. When I regained the color of my room again, my mind and body decided to stay disconnected from the other, leaving me in a state of panic. I stood up. Sat down. Stood again. Tears stinging my eyes. Walking to bathroom. Then back to the bed. Slow. Everything was in slow motion. I had to grab my walls to walk, because I was trying to gasp for air.

Stop. I stopped holding onto the wall and collapsed on all fours, wailing like someone I loved had just died. Then silence. The blankness returned.

I am six years old being held up by a man with hairy arms to view my Mom. Long strawberry hair in big spiral curls. A teal dress. Open. Her casket is open for me to see. To see her lying there. Eyes closed. Weird colored pale skin. Dead. I could hear people crying. Sniffling. Talking. She left. She left me here. Alone. I want to crawl into the casket with her. To hug me and tell me she loves me. I need to know she loves me. I need to know I didn’t do anything wrong. I stretch out my arm to touch her. A gummy coldness brushes along my fingertips.

Blank

Before I know it, I am back in my bedroom pacing back and forth. Back and forth. No tears. Silence. Stomach aching. Pacing. Then heaviness. My body is heavy again and my mind seems to race to places I have felt before. Places I never want to return. I can feel it coming and I don’t know what to do. How to stop time.

Text. I receive another text from him, “U good? Call ya in a bit :)”

Blank

I’m hiding in a closet. Five years old. Trying to be quiet so they don’t hear me. The men. The men who come to see my Mom every night. The men who bruise her up. I don’t want to be bruised too. So I hide. Though, I can still hear. I don’t want to hear them. I close my ears, trying to shut out the sounds. The bad sounds.

Blank

Sitting. I sit back on the edge of my bed trying to hold myself. Brace myself against the air so I don’t fall. Crouching. I crouch down onto the floor and inch my way to the closet. My safe space.

My best friend. My best guy friend, who knows me better than anyone, is getting married? Not to me. I’m in love. In love with him. I thought there was more time to show him I was the one. Crying. Hysterical. I am hysterically crying on the floor in my closet putting my hands over my mouth so no one can hear my screams.

Blank

Screaming. I am screaming for the big White ladies to put me down. Back down on the ground. They are carrying me out of my closet back into the light. I can hear everything. See everything. Red. Bright red blood splattered on the walls. Broken glass. I don’t want to see. Screaming, “leave me alone. Mom. Momma. Where are you?”

Blank

Blank

Blank

One thought on “Everything Went Blank

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *