The following is the Introduction from Heidi Busche’s new book, Relationship Ready: How I Stopped Fucking Randos and Started Cupcaking My Soulmate, available now on Amazon.com!
If you’re still interested in casually dating, friends with benefit-ing, or fucking randos, then you really aren’t ready for this book. You know that wobbly table you’ve got? For now, put this book under the short leg of that table to steady the wobble. Put it on a shelf, bury it in your closet, use it as a coaster. But keep it around for that moment when you realize that you want a relationship and that you have no fucking idea how to make that happen. For the day you realize you’ve been ready for a relationship for a while now, but you keep dating guys who aren’t. For the day when you are horrified to discover that your relationship patterns, the only ones you know, have been hurting you instead of helping you. Then, go grab this book from under the wobbly table, pull it down from the shelf, dig it out of your closet, take last night’s half-full water glass off of it. Now, you’re ready. Because this book is for women who are ready to have a relationship with an available partner and we’ve got work to do.
First – Some Definitions
What about cupcaking? What is it? Cupcaking isn’t some hot new sex thing. Cupcaking that part of your relationship when you are just so into someone that all you want to do is spend time with them. You want to call out of work to lay in bed together all day, you start ranting and raving about how there should be federally-mandated cupcaking leave (akin to FMLA), you want to go grocery shopping and run stupid errands together, you want to stay up late watching movies or listening to records or running trails or whatever your thing is together. You wanna spend every blissful minute by each other’s side. Like, if you could crawl up into this person’s armpit and just snuggle there you would. You want to cupcake, ya feel me?
And what about a soulmate? You don’t need me to give you a dictionary definition of a soulmate – you can ask Alexa for that. I consider a soulmate to be a partner with whom I can completely be myself. A partner with whom I can establish and maintain a resilient and reciprocal relationship. A partner who will meet me where I’m at and help me to grow into the most authentic version of myself. I think that we can have more than one soulmate over the course of our lives. And because I have plenty of women in my life who I consider soul sisters, I don’t believe that all of my life’s soulmates are romantic partners.
I never knew how to “do” relationships. I think it’s a common misconception that we’re born completely ready to show up authentically in our romantic relationships. I certainly wasn’t. Over and over I found myself engaging in behaviors that were keeping me from finding a sustainable, romantic relationship. I spent my twenties and most of my thirties dating men who were unavailable in every possible sense of the word. I would have benefitted from reading a book like this, but I also know that we can’t hear some of this stuff until we are really ready to hear it. So, as a twenty-something, I could have read this book, comprehended it, completed the exercises and the writing. But, until I was sick and tired of hurting myself with my behavior around relationships; until I was really ready to try something different, it wouldn’t have been effective.
I have done all the stuff that I am going to ask you to do; completed all the thought exercises and all of the writing. Doing that work was the price of admission to a life where I know who I am. I am clear about what I want. And I am capable of authentic, sustainable relationships.
In Relationship Ready, I outline the exercises I did to change my relationship patterns with men. Before we jump into that soul-level work, I’ll spend some time sharing my story with you. I want you to know, I understand the pain of these patterns, and I hope that some of my experiences resonate with you. Also, with a little distance from them, I can laugh at myself and I hope you can, too. I’m going to be vulnerable with you and I hope you can be just as vulnerable, honest and authentic with me (when you are doing the exercises and the work that comes later).
After we’ve taken the first four chapters to get to know each other, I’ll outline the work you’ll need to do to become relationship-ready. Please don’t just skip right to (or past) the exercises. I want you to have all the context and information that each chapter provides for each exercise. If you are familiar with twelve-step recovery work, then some of the exercises will, undoubtedly, be familiar. I initially did this work with a woman that I knew from a twelve-step program of recovery. But when I finished it, I realized that so many women who might never be exposed to twelve-step recovery could benefit from this work. And so I have modified it, and present it here. Like so many of the constructs that we use in the process of self-discovery, self-help, and therapy, the tools here are derivative from time-tested concepts.
Chapter 5 is the first chapter that will require some action on your part. It delivers clear direction on how to get the most out of this. I’ll tell you right now, I’m going to ask you to put some distance between yourself and the people that you’re flirting with or dating. A gentle reminder, the purpose of this work is to become relationship ready.
Chapters 6, 7, and 8 will provide the framework for the bulk of the writing to be done. In these chapters, you are going to identify the patterns in relationships that are causing you pain. You’ll likely know some of these when you start, but I guarantee you will uncover some patterns that you didn’t know were driving your behavior. You’ll also have the opportunity to explore your fears around relationships. And I’ll provide some concrete actions you can take around both the patterns and fears, no matter what they are.
Chapters 9, 10, and 11 are about forgiving yourself, changing these behaviors, and learning how to do something different. I’ve got tools and exercises in these chapters for building your girl-gang, for identifying your ideal partner, and letting all the old stuff go. Finally, in Chapters 12 and 13, I give you some guidelines for dating and I talk about how I met the love of my life, Mr. Husband.
This work is simple, but it’s not easy; nothing worthwhile ever is. All my life, I thought, “true love and intimacy are for other people – the beautiful people – not for me.” Honestly, for as long as I can remember, I thought this was true. With this work, I changed my perspective, I shredded the old narrative, and I started to believe: “Anything that I want can be mine. I am worthy.” No matter what your old, limiting beliefs, this work can help you set them aside. We are not meant to do this alone, we are not meant to be fearful, miserable, or angry. I truly believe that we are all meant to shine; that an authentic life with deep intimacy is possible for each and every one of us. This work has provided it for me and I know it can provide it for you too.
Xoxo to the maxxxxx.
HB