In 2013, I decided to make some significant changes in my life. I was divorced, working in administrative assistant level positions, doodling on the sides of my notebooks, and wondering where my ambition and passion had gone.
What was I doing?! What did I really want in my one, beautiful life? Luckily I had some great friends on the same journey. Asking themselves the same questions. One of those friends was Heidi Busche Jasmond.
Heidi was two steps ahead in her journey of self-discovery and finding love. I got to watch her do the work that has now become her book, Relationship Ready: How I Stopped F*cking Randos and Started Cupcaking with My Soulmate, available this fall.
I am so grateful that she shared with me as she went. She absolutely changed her life and as I followed her suggestions, so did I. Thanks in large part to her support I am engaged to my best friend and getting married this fall.
Love is for everyone, and there’s no need to wait. So I asked Heidi to share a preview of what her book’s all about so you can start taking action now!
When you hear from a friend or client that they are despairing that they will never find their perfect partner, what is the first thought or question that comes to mind?
Don’t panic! We get so caught up in our constructed timeline. We start to look around at friends and family, and friends with family and we get afraid that we’ll be left behind or left out. I believe that this discrepancy between how things are and how we want things to be, is the source of so much pain. So, set aside your timeline and do some work on attracting and selecting and available and appropriate partner!
When did you first decide to write about your experience with dating and relationships?
After I did work on men and relationships that changed my life, I realized that other women needed these tools and while all I have is my experience as a woman, I believe it’s possible that these tools could work for anyone! People need to know that they have the ability to shred the old narrative. You know, whatever that old story is you’ve been telling yourself since the 6th grade? You have the power to flip that script.
So tell me Heidi, what do we do? What can a person do right now to start today moving toward true love?!
I always thought that true love and intimacy were for the “beautiful people”; that they weren’t for me. I have since discovered that true love and intimacy are available and accessible to anyone who wants them. And, it’s my mission to help people get there!
Start setting boundaries. So many of us are more comfortable “people pleasing” than we are boundary setting. The problem is that people pleasing diminishes our time, energy, and spirit, while boundary setting revitalizes us. Boundary setting is critical for developing deep intimacy and resilient relationships because it is one of the first ways that we demonstrate to a partner that we value ourselves and so protect our time, energy, and spirit. Setting clear boundaries with a partner teaches them how to treat us; i.e it teaches them how to value our time, energy and spirit as well.
Identify your values and get comfortable communicating honestly about them. What do you value? Take a minute to think about this. And don’t just think about the words, honesty, ambition, vulnerability. Think about how those values operate in your life — what does honesty look like to you? Do you care about cash-register honesty? Or is it more like honest and clear communication that matters? What does vulnerability mean to you? Does it mean emotionalism? Does it mean holding space for a partner and all their feelings? Get clear on your values and what they look like in your life. Make a list so that you don’t forget. Then begin to communicate them. Maybe this makes you so uncomfortable that you have to practice in the bathroom mirror. Maybe you say to a friend, “this sounds nuts but I need to practice talking about my values and what they mean to me”. But practice talking about them so that when push comes to shove, and you find yourself in an uncomfortable discussion with a partner, its not your first time talking about these things.
Take a close look at your relationship patterns. Specifically, I’d say, review your old relationships and see if you sabotaged any of them in the same way. So for example, do you have a pattern of dating unavailable partners? Unavailable partners are people who are involved with someone else, they don’t live near you, or they are emotionally unavailable (i.e., they have a substance abuse problem, they are recently divorced, they have untreated past trauma ). In the hetero-normative context, do you have a pattern of attention seeking from members of the opposite sex? Do you find that you lose yourself in relationships?
Do the things you love… regularly. So many of us want to share our favorite things or activities with our partners. So if you’re single and you love to hike, go hiking solo, go hiking in groups, just get out there and do it. Because while you’re out there doing it you’re increasing your odds of meeting someone or being introduced to someone who loves hiking too. Right? You wouldn’t go looking for a hiking buddy in a bar, you’d go to, like, Next Adventure, or you’d join a hiking group.
Let people know. Let your friends and family and the interwebs know that you’re ready for a relationship. It’s part manifesting but it’s also part putting yourself out there. People need to know that you’re serious about getting serious with someone!
Be selective – your time is valuable. So when you are dating, don’t waste it. If you’re not vibing on a date, cut it short. If you’re flipping through profiles only select those that really speak to you. If it’s not a hell yeah, it’s a hell no.
Find out more at heidibcoaching.com.