When we are at ease with someone, we know it without question. It isn’t usually a thing we learn or find out about a partner: it’s something that we know almost as soon as we meet the person. The really great part is that they tend to be feeling it as well, and if we enjoy healthy relationships, we stay together and make it work even when things get tough because we know we’ve found something special.
Very often though, when we feel ill-at-ease with someone, we ignore the instinct and instead of finding someone with whom we do feel at ease, we bite down, grit our teeth, and try to force a square peg into a round hole.
Even if we aren’t sure why or how, we know at the very least that something within is not fitting. The energy is just wrong.
Many times, we are so gobsmacked by the man or woman, that intuition flies right out the window and we ignore how utterly incompatible we are, because being floored like that doesn’t happen everyday and we want to feel the earth move beneath our feet.
As New York Times best-selling author Dr. Judith Orloff writes in her book Emotional Freedom, “I don’t care how intelligent or attractive someone is, if he zaps your energy, he isn’t for you. True chemistry is more than intellectual compatibility. Beyond surfaces, you must be intuitively at ease.”
Shouldn’t the person we intend to be with for the long-term, at the very least, not take the energy we need to dream and to reach our goals? More ideally, that person will push us toward our goals and be our helper along the way. A lofty ideal, I know, but I doubt success in any arena ever lay in mediocre ideas. If you dream of an extraordinary life, and your partner just wants to live in a sitcom, you will start to resent it when they hold you back, and visa versa.
Obviously, it is not our partner’s job to be our life coach or motivational speaker, but it is part their job to be supportive of our dreams and goals, and sometimes just being one less obstacle in our life is all a partner needs to be at a particular moment. A partner with whom we are ill-at-ease can never be that for us, because discordance in such an integral area of our life can be a blockage to other areas in our life.
We can’t ignore it when we feel awkward around a person for no good reason, or feel like we might say the wrong thing in front of them in fear of judgement, or when our (or their) jokes fall flat and there is no conciliatory laugh. If we are holding our breath when they meet our friends and family or if there is a hesitation before we reach out to touch them in some small way with the fleeting question, “is this ok?”. Intuitive ease never asks if it’s okay: it already knows. Most times, it isn’t something we can put our finger on or conjure words to describe – but it is that inexplicable thing which we can’t ignore.
When there is an incompatibility of energy, can any level of shared interests and values create a contented, satisfying relationship?
I’ve seen couples who seem completely incompatible, but the energy is right and balanced and somehow work and we stare in bewilderment and say “holy shit, look how opposites attract”. On the flip, I’ve seen couples who you could point at and say, “they are perfect for eachother”, and yet the energy is so wrong and whether they split or stay unhappily together for the kids’ sake, they don’t work, and we lose a little faith in love because that couple seemed perfect to us from the outside.
When we are with someone who fits, our differences strengthen us and round us out as people, and each member becomes a better person for having learned how the other operates. It is that wonderful yin and yang that attracts and plays off the other. Where yin ends, yang begins, and where there is always a bit of yin inside the yang, there is also a part of yang inside of yin. This is the beauty of energy between couples.
I think of intuition as our own personal interpreter, translating the language of energy to us. Fear, our craving for love and connection, and often our sex drives, will try to talk over the interpreter in their own seductive languages as we are on this tour through life, and we’ll miss the part where the price of admission costs more than we have in our pocket. And it takes a lot of trust in our own judgement and a great amount of self-confidence to operate from a place of intuition. We have to know ourselves well enough to know that what we are feeling is not fear or loneliness or our want of love at any cost. It is that soft little voice, whispering the gist of the secret members-only conversation that two energies just had while you were busy staring into the pair of sparkling eyes across the table from you.
Letting intuition have the loudest voice and trusting it as a reliable source is one of the greatest advantages a person can have when it comes to love.
To quote from Judy Orloff again,
“Energy doesn’t lie. Keep sensing it, trusting it, letting it liberate you”.